Modern cars have a lot of features that weren’t even dreamed of 20 years ago. Many of which save lives, improve performance, add comfort and even make the experience of driving more entertaining.
I would be honored to explore some of these wonders, but that is NOT what this week’s title is about. This week, I will discuss some of the little known features that the marketing directors and advertising agencies never told you about.
NEWSFLASH: There are theories that certain types of cars breed certain types of drivers. The drivers of which would always deny that there is any truth to this. Therefore, if it’s not the driver, it must be the car. Truth be told, I have no experience as engineer or designer but I am sure that these hidden technologies exist and have been the source of some undetectable problems and a myriad number of rush-hour frustrations. During our tenure as drivers, many of us have experienced the results of these technologies.
Buick (LeSabre, especially)
ISAS (Interstate Speed Avoidance System). Every Buick I have ever encountered has had a problem with merging onto the freeway. Too slow to follow, too fast to pass….”Why are you doing 45 mph in the fast lane?” It’s not them it’s the car…remember?
NFET (Never Fast Enough Technology). When an Audi approaches you, it gives you the impression that YOU aren’t driving fast enough. Besides the bumper-riding, flashing lights and incessant lane changes, the superior paint finish shining in the light send out infa-red beams that make you check your speedo with guilt. Only the Government knows about this technology.
All Large SUV’s
LTC (Looming Threat Control). I, personally don’t like large things moving toward me quickly. At 65 mph, your average Ford Expedition can appear like a giant missile coming at you
Toyotas (Avalon, Camry and Corolla in particular)
WTH. Cars equipped with this feature usually have a special film on the side windows. This film gives out pheromones that attract the eyes of other drivers. In addition, it causes other drivers to furl their brows and ask passengers “WTH?” Lane changing with no signal, popping up in blind-spots and being in every parking lot, drive thru, and driveway in America are no-cost optional upgrades to this feature.
Cadillaction
There is a special suspension piece that allows these cars to turn on a dime. There is also a special set of valves that never allow you to keep up with them. Remember the days when you could always tell a Cadillac anywhere? Now, not only is it nearly impossible, but you can hardly get a good glimpse without breaking the legal limit.
Cars sold from 2011 – present
SMH Awareness. This is an in-car system that is only activate when Parents allow their children to drive their newer automobiles instead of paying their dues on public transportation or driving a piece of crap and working their way up like God intended. The car’s erratic behavior makes you just Shake Your Head.
Hondanimity
There has to be an “Under the Radar Button” somewhere. These cars last forever and have aced dozens of “Top 10” lists. Nonetheless, they seem to always slip past our consciousness. Next time you drive, count the number of Civics, Accords and Preludes still left from the previous model years. Not to mention Integras, RL’s CL’s and TL’s. Similar systems have been developed by Saab, Subaru and Volvo.
Golf Streaming
Is it me, or do Volkswagens always seem to be going too fast or seem to be ready to pounce at the changing light? Okay. This can only be the result of Fahrvergnügen!
Stay tuned as we expose more of these hidden technologies in the weeks to come.
